Despite no popular demand whatsoever, we have another Top Ten List!
TOP TEN LIST: THINGS YOU SAY TO YOUR KIDS THE FIRST TIME YOU TAKE THEM TO CITI FIELD.
10) Here you go, buddy, your first ballpark hot dog. Food of the gods. Whaddaya mean, “What’s inside it?” Have you been talking to your mother again? Shut up and eat the damn thing!
9) Now remember our talk in the car: low expectations.
8) Ha, yeah, you’re right. Daddy’s glad he doesn’t have to mow that lawn every weekend.
6) Relax, this isn’t the zombie apocalypse. That’s just our left fielder, Lucas Duda. That’s how he normally walks.
5) On the bright side, we got to see every reliever on the team today!
4) No, honey, the bulls will not get loose from the pen and start goring players. They just call it a bullpen, because back in the olden days baseball was a pastoral game, played on farms and open fields. There’s not actually any bulls in . . . oh never mind. And no, Daddy did not live in the “olden days.”
3) Yes, sweetie, that man is very good at drinking beer and shouting. It’s okay to hear those words, but we don’t ever say them, do we? Well, yes, sometimes Daddy does, but . . . Look: Cotton Candy!
2) We never, ever leave a game before the final out. It doesn’t matter what the score is, we stay to the end. Because if you don’t stay to the end of even the most hopeless games, you’ll never get to see a miracle finish, that’s why.
1) That’s right, son, the Mets are the bestest team in the whole wide world (looks skyward, thinks, “Dear Lord, forgive me for what I have done.“).