BREAKING NEWS! Mets Trade Jeff Wilpon for Prospects

jeff-wilponNEWSFLASH: In a stunning development, the New York Mets traded Jeff Wilpon, COO of the Mets baseball team and son of principal owner Fred Wilpon , for two young, up-and-coming douchebags.

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Commented Mets GM Sandy Alderson at a press conference held at Citi Field:

“At this time of year, teams are either ‘buyers’ or ‘sellers.’ We were forced to admit that now was the time to begin building for the future, strengthening our foundation for tomorrow’s championship run. Of course, when a team gives up a proven veteran ass hat like Jeff Wilpon, well, it’s tough on the whole organization. But we have to recognize that we’re just grinding through another fake pennant race. We felt a need to get younger and restock the farm system. We’ve been scouting these entitled pricks for a while now, and there’s every reasonable hope to believe they can, with the right coaching, become the same egotistical, self-important corn holes that Jeff has always been, maybe even bigger, if that’s humanly possible.”

In exchange for Jeff Wilpon, the Mets received:

-61545477-spoiled-bratReginald Pinkerton Armitage III: His first words were “I WANT IT NOW!” According to club sources, the Mets intend to fast-track this whining, sniveling, entitled, coddled creep through the system. Anyone who has seen young Reginald throw himself on the floor, kicking and screaming, “MINE! MINE! MINE!” can attest that he should be able to fill Jeff’s shoes in just a few short years.

- - JLNO_Spoiled

 

 

 

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Cassidy Britney Amber Shuttlecock: The consensus amongst scouts is that Shuttlecock has demonstrated all five tools at an early age. She intolerant, abusive, unbearable, arrogant, and selfish. A rare combination. Alderson mused, “Sometimes a prospect will be abusive, but not unbearable. Another one might be selfish, but fall a little short in the arrogance department. So it’s not often a team has the chance to land this level prospect — she appears to be a major league shit heel. Giving up Jeff was a lot, he’s a known quantity, we’re all aware of what a giant asshole he can be. But we’ve come to the belief that Cassidy can be even more insufferable than Jeff — and I say that with all the respect in the world for Jeff Wilpon, who has been a gigantic dipshit from the day I got here.”-

 

ADDENDUM: In a corresponding move completed just minutes ago, the Mets swapped Bobby Abreu for an “unnamed” future consideration. The “consideration” is believed to be the next, as-yet-unborn love child of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. With those bloodlines, the Mets are optimistic this prospect could turn out to be one of the biggest super-brats in the known universe. Alderson remarked, “While no prospect can ever be a sure thing, I’m very confident this kid will grow up to be a complete and total dick. How can it not?”

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17 comments

  1. Great game last night on so many levels. Going tonight with Grandpa and the boys, terrific seats, looking forward to it. Thank God for the Phillies!

  2. tTony Cicchetti says:

    It really is hard to understand why they won’t issue the two of you press passes

  3. wkkortas says:

    The best thing about Reginald, Cassidy, and the Kanye/Kim-spawn-to-be-named later? They’re cost-controlled until 2020!

  4. Eric says:

    I only make that trade if they come with their own fireman helmets….

  5. Mettle from Blue and Orange Nation says:

    Sandy also announced Jay Horwitz was traded for some Jambalaya Soup.

  6. Was at the game yesterday. The highlight was BP and the sandwich I ate, the game was brutal, sadly. It happens.

    Depressing piece by Joe D on how Collins views Flores:

    http://www.newyorkmetsreport.com/2014/07/30/how-collins-views-wilmer-flores/

    Plus, I have to say: It is criminal that Chris Young continues to play — and criminal that honestly there is no RH outfield bat in the entire system that’s better. Sandy, what are you doing? How can this not be addressed? Yesterday Collins batting CY 5th over d’Arnaud, presumably because there was a lefty on the mound and CY has a .161 BA against LHP this year. Sigh. Today he’s back to 6th behind d’Arnaud.

    Because you know TC: He’s mixing-and-matching!

  7. Raff says:

    That’s why I was an early convert to your alternate reality Road to Damascus – CY’s march to 400/.200 It’s akin to tapping your left shin with a ball peen hammer in order to distract yourself from the pain of a broken right ankle.

    • Michael Geus says:

      A big hit for CY today in a big spot, up 11-2 in the eighth! Back up to .209. This was after being robbed in the seventh, as his smash to the pitcher was somehow ruled an error. Bobby Bo would have been on the phone to the press box, but the ultra professional CY took it in stride.

      Just a pleasure (up to 399 times) to watch.

  8. Raff says:

    another tap on the left shin.. ahh… nice

  9. Michael Geus says:

    Chris Young just homered. In Sharknado 2.

    • Mettle from Blue and Orange Nation says:

      False advertising if I’ve ever seen it. I’d understand, if they movie came out in March.

  10. Mettle from Blue and Orange Nation says:

    It’s 2019, 5 years after the trade. We have officially discovered that Wilpon was nothing compared to these brats, praying that Jason Bay or Bobby Bonilla would save us.

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