Commented Mets GM Sandy Alderson at a press conference held at Citi Field: –
“At this time of year, teams are either ‘buyers’ or ‘sellers.’ We were forced to admit that now was the time to begin building for the future, strengthening our foundation for tomorrow’s championship run. Of course, when a team gives up a proven veteran ass hat like Jeff Wilpon, well, it’s tough on the whole organization. But we have to recognize that we’re just grinding through another fake pennant race. We felt a need to get younger and restock the farm system. We’ve been scouting these entitled pricks for a while now, and there’s every reasonable hope to believe they can, with the right coaching, become the same egotistical, self-important corn holes that Jeff has always been, maybe even bigger, if that’s humanly possible.”
In exchange for Jeff Wilpon, the Mets received:
-Reginald Pinkerton Armitage III: His first words were “I WANT IT NOW!” According to club sources, the Mets intend to fast-track this whining, sniveling, entitled, coddled creep through the system. Anyone who has seen young Reginald throw himself on the floor, kicking and screaming, “MINE! MINE! MINE!” can attest that he should be able to fill Jeff’s shoes in just a few short years.
Cassidy Britney Amber Shuttlecock: The consensus amongst scouts is that Shuttlecock has demonstrated all five tools at an early age. She intolerant, abusive, unbearable, arrogant, and selfish. A rare combination. Alderson mused, “Sometimes a prospect will be abusive, but not unbearable. Another one might be selfish, but fall a little short in the arrogance department. So it’s not often a team has the chance to land this level prospect — she appears to be a major league shit heel. Giving up Jeff was a lot, he’s a known quantity, we’re all aware of what a giant asshole he can be. But we’ve come to the belief that Cassidy can be even more insufferable than Jeff — and I say that with all the respect in the world for Jeff Wilpon, who has been a gigantic dipshit from the day I got here.”-
ADDENDUM: In a corresponding move completed just minutes ago, the Mets swapped Bobby Abreu for an “unnamed” future consideration. The “consideration” is believed to be the next, as-yet-unborn love child of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. With those bloodlines, the Mets are optimistic this prospect could turn out to be one of the biggest super-brats in the known universe. Alderson remarked, “While no prospect can ever be a sure thing, I’m very confident this kid will grow up to be a complete and total dick. How can it not?”